Fiona in 2 yrs

Fiona called last night.  When I picked up the phone she asked if she could just talk with me.  Her voice was quiet, quivering.  I said sure and it was like a flood gate opened.  She cried and cried and through the sobs, told me that she is afraid of what will happen in two years when she graduates from the Great School. That she doesn't want to move to a group home because she doesn't want to have to meet all new people again. . . that staff don't understand this and keep talking about it. . . that all she wants to do is come home. . . that she doesn't  understand why she can't come home. . . maybe I didn't want her. . .

It all pretty much made me want to cry too.  I told her I loved her very very much and that we were working toward overnight visits.  I told her this would always be her home.  I did manage to work into the conversation that although Chet still lives at home that this isn't really his choice. I have not been able to find services for his type of disability and he is not able to live on his own. If you asked Chet, he would tell you that living at home as a young adult is far from his first choice. The conversation then veered a little bit to the fact that most kids don't live at home forever. they do come back home often but usually have their own place.

Fiona had a tough re-entry after the last home visit.  Problems occured on the trip back to school which Jane handled well, but were an issue none the less.  More problems occured during the next several days. Fiona also had a visit from a first family member the following weekend and told Jane that she felt back to back visits from family  were overwhelming and more than she can handle. And she opted out of phoning the Tuesday after the phone call.  All of  which of course, as Jane pointed out to me in a followup email, is part of the problem with Fiona thinking she could live here full time.  The immediacy of family life, the intimacy of things, eventually becomes overwhelming to her.  And her reactions to that are pretty extreme and frequently unsafe.

During the phone call we also made a plan for Fi to talk with her DCF worker (who is new) and to express her desire to live with us.  (I realize that for the adults this means "near" and for Fiona it means physically in my home but we have to handle things one step at a time)  The changing of her case from the extreme other end of our state to our location is key to any of this happening.  We are hoping that Fiona self advocating for this will make a difference.

I also spoke with K  last night about becoming Fiona's legal guardians.  If this will not lose her any services--because she really needs a lot of mental health services that my insurance would not cover--I really want to do this. I have been thinking about it for a long time and it is one thing for Fiona and I to call each other family, and mom and daughter. But without a more official standing, I don't have a lot of clout in advocating for her. I have been so blessed with my relationship with the Great School in the City and with Jane, but truthfully no other relationship with her placements has ever been like this.   I can't just blissfully go on believing that whereever she goes post- Great School that the same type of easy constant access will prevail.

K is far less passionate about this--her relationship with Fiona is less intense. Partly because I think Fiona really scared her badly during the times she raged here and partly because K's work schedule has limited a lot of the visits that I have had. That has made it harder for her to see the strides Fiona has made and for healing of her old scars to happen.  But she is open to the idea, and realistically it could just be me that is the legal guardian  if need be.  I am going to run the idea by Jane after vacation and see what she thinks.