Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Sharing Histories

Fiona called last night and we had a good talk.  She wanted to know if KC and Lissa ever asked about their birth mothers.  I said that KC had been searching for Y, his first mother, and that we had sent a letter to her but unfortunately thus far heard nothing back.  This is a similar situation to what Fiona has experienced with her birth mother and right now I am gleaning that Fiona is feeling very low about Mama J and her lack of response..

Jane said that they could try again and reach out to Mama J but that sometimes when people feel a lot of strong emotions about choices that may not have been the best, it is hard for them to get past them and start over.  Especially if they feel guilty or ashamed about a choice they made for or about their child.

I told Fi that KC was having a lot of trouble with the fact that Mama Y has not responded and that if it was OK with her, he might like knowing that he could talk to her about that.I explained that although I have always told all the kids I will help them connect with first families in any way I can (that is safe) I know that there are times when talking about the feelings of abandonment and adoption with me is not what they need. They need someone who can say with honesty "I get it; I feel that way too sometimes."I can say other supportive things. And I have the great disappearing dad in my life that gives me a sense of some of what my kids feel and I think lends credibilty  for me with  some of those tough conversations.

Jane was very supportive of the idea, and is also willing to be a resource and facilitate if the need arises.  She sees as I do, that this is a place where Fiona gets to be the big sister in a really supportive fashion. And they both get to emotionally be there for each other.  I don't think adoption pain is diminished by sharing it, but I do think as people we draw strength from being able to share our stories and from hearing the stories of others.

Interestingly my mom and I are somewhat at polar opposites on this issue.  I think she is afraid that KC's search and yearning is going to prevent him from feeling all the love that we as a family have for him, as we do for all the kids.  I may be Pollyanna again, but I don't see that as a problem.  I think he loves us very very much and knows that he is loved.  That knowledge doesn't negate the questions, the yearning and the pain. But I am having a hard time explaining that via email to a very doting gramma!

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