It isn't easy!

Thorn at Mother Issues commented on my recent post, saying  how widening our familial circles isn't easy.  So, so true.  I have continued my email conversations with Rob's cousin.  She needs a blog name (and I hate doing this as I pathetically enough always have a hard time remembering what alias i decided on!)  OK let's name her Kendra.  I wrote Kendra a long email in response to her phone call.  In short, I said how happy I was that we were communicating with each other but there was a lot of other stuff too.  She wrote back an equally long email.  She was very open and painfully honest.  Some of the pain pre-dates me coming into the picture, but as she rightfully pointed out, we as the adoptive family bore the brunt of the first family's anger at a system that at best failed them and at worst perhaps misled them.  Some of the pain dealt with her prejudices against our family.  Our race, our same sex marriage and our lifestyle  were not something that are part of her world and she was not comfortable with us.  Also, the adoption agency had not let the family know any of those particulars so when we began visiting it was  a huge shock.  I never knew that they didn't know anything about us, since the agency we were working with pretty much mandated the visits in the early days.  I would have thought they would or should have done something to pave the way a bit.  Instead it was more like 2 white gay women showing up in the projects with their newly adopted little black son.  Yup, those were fun times!

Her email revealed that I hurt her long ago by allegedly refusing to have her take Rob to the barbers.  Truthfully I do not ever remember this conversation.  But the fact that I remember things very differently does not mitigate the fact that she at least perceived a rejection of help that was never, ever intended on my part. It just goes to show how much care we need to give our words. They are so powerful and can have such long lasting impact.

There are some rough patches to navigate.  There is a lot of family anger over the fact that they have been denied access to Fiona.  I am trying to step nimbly through those murky places.  I figure that is what clinicians and social workers are paid to deal with.  I know the fact that we continue to have relationship with Fiona though we could not finalize the adoption has to rankle.  I know too that I don't have the ability to help Kendra see that the inability of first family to be consistantly and reliably present for Fiona is detrimental.  Rob has enough grounding that I think it is less an issue.  Fiona does not.  But I fear that anything I might try to say by way of explanation (and this convo came up in the first place because I mentioned we were seeing Fiona again on Saturday to celebrate Rob's birthday with her) is likely going to sound like I am judging Kendra and her family.  I am not.  But I do want Fiona to continue to progress and know from past history that the on again off again thing leads to serious decompensation.

And yet, Kendra has grown so much though from the angry young women I first met when Rob was 5 She said that she can see we give him a good life and that he is happy and that is all she wants for all kids.  She ended her email with "i respect u now."  I respect her too and it is a good place to start.