Widening the circle

Adoption is always about loss.  I know I didn't get that back in my 20's when I started this journey for the first time.  I got it an an intellectual level but not at a gut level.  That comes with travelling the road.  And it comes differently with every adoption, every child, every family.

Last night Rob's cousin called.  Years ago when he was newly our son we tried to have a relationship with her. She had adopted Krystal, the bio sib that Rob was most closest to and we wanted to keep that connection.  It did not go well. That is pretty much an understatement.  Cousin was hostile and defensive and clearly exhibited anger at us. I think the fact that we were white and gay didn't help things either.We were way outside the comfort zone.  And we were not family.  And we had taken her cousin.  And thrown her other cousin in an RTC because we didn't want her.  Obviously these are not true statements but they were her perceptions and probably mirrored that of all the other first family members we have never met.  Talking didn't help.  My Pollyanna niceness didn't help.  There was a big fight.  Mostly K took the brunt of that as I was not there when it happened.  Cousin broke off contact.  I still sent regular letters and gifts for Krystal and kept reiterating that we would love to hear from  them.  Nada.  Eventually they moved and I had no forward and contact ended for a bunch of years.

Cousin began calling infrequently a couple years ago.  Because it isn't in me to hold a grudge, we had long talks when she called.  Time passed and we became facebook friends and she has spoken with Rob a few times. It has still been strained but different.  I could tell she was trying.  I could tell she was trying to accept that we were part of the reality of his life now.

Last night he was asleep when she called.  I don't waken him for phone calls.  He has sleep issues still and that doesn't go well.  I was apologetic and explained.  She was really nice about it.  In years past she would have said something about how he would want to be wakened if he knew it was family.  This time she said she knew it was late and explained her reason for why it was late.  I told her I would have Rob call her today and that the first thing I would tell him in the morning was about her call.

She said that she knew we were family and she wanted us all  to be part of each other's lives.  She acknowleged that the reason Rob and his siblings went into care due to a bad situation in their home. (previously it has only been looked at as an evil  unfounded removal) and that the reason they were not placed with family was because no one but her could pass a CORI.  As a young mom herself she could not take them all.  Her pain was palpable.

But the circle of our family and more importantly of Rob's family, widened last night.  I am grateful for her courage to call.