There was a time when that would not seem daunting. I love to write. It helps me process my feelings, my place in my corner of the world, and wrestle with issues much larger than myself. It is just that life keeps getting in the way of that active mediation called writing! I am going to try and carve out time diligently this November though.
I was reminded on another blog that November is Adoption month. You might assume that I am thoroughly behind this celebratory view of adoption since this is the institution that has allowed me to have a family. And I am grateful. I love my children with every fiber of my being.
However, the very fact that they are my children now, means that they have experienced huge loss. For all of them, this is experienced and shared with me, very differently. KC at 8 wants to actively search for his first mother Y. I have gotten no help at all from our adoption agency. And here, I find myself angry and concerned. It seems to me that an agency should have resources to help first mothers and adoptees find each other. But apparently they don't. If a mother comes knocking, they contact the adoptive family but that is the extent of it. Inadequate is an understatement.
I am lucky that I have a lot of personal information that will hopefully aid us in the search for Y. I am searching the internet in a variety of ways, but if anyone who happens upon my blog knows of a really good way, shout out!
I am glad that KC is comfortable sharing his feelings so honestly with me. He is also happier for seeing that I am committed to helping him in his search. What I hope he does not see, is how much it hurts me when he says "the search for my real mother." I know this is a hot button in adoption circles. There are a lot of people who may well feel that I am not his "real" mother. I rather subscribe to the Velveteen Rabbit philosophy of "real." My motherhood is made real by my love and continued non judgemental presence in my children's lives.
I know in my heart that what he is speaking to is the biological connection when he says this. KC is an artist. He notes the smallest details in the world around him. Facial similarities and even similar likes and gestures are not lost on him. I don't know what the search for Y will ultimately reveal. My hope is that it widens the circle of our family, that we build a relationship she is comfortable with. Maybe. . . it will happen this November. That would be an adoption month to celebrate!