Despite the flurry of emails concerning Fi's issues at school lately, the call last night went very well. She seemed to have positive and happy conversations with all the kids and then it was my turn. We made some plans for the time she will be here on Saturday and then she told me that she had gotten a letter from Mom J. She wanted to bring it out on Saturday and show it to me. That in itself is huge. To me, this means that Fiona recognizes that I am not trying to compete with or replace her first mom and that I am someone she can trust with all of who she is.
I told her I was so happy for her, which is true, and that I would love to see the letter if she wants to share it on Saturday. She also said she would like to show it to Rob but did not know if she should because it might "make him sad." I said that I thought it would be fine to show it to Rob. That she was right. Sometimes the things we talk about and that are part of our lives make us sad, but they are still part of who we are. I said she was being a very good big sister making sure that her younger brother was ready for this but that I thought he was mature enough to handle it.
I did prime Rob afterwards. I can tell that it is painful, though teen boys are all bravado and "it's fine" and "I don't care". But I also know that he is ready to deal with this is a way he was not years ago. Though there was hurt in the back of his eyes when we talked after the call, there was not anger or fear. That is a huge step for him. My personal hypothesis (and be forewarned that I am just a parent speaking here) is that before the hurt can be dealt with, our kids who have dealt with trauma have those first two emotions of anger and fear to deal with. Getting to hurt is actually a huge step toward healing, in my opinion. I hope that together, we can help Fiona grow from anger and fear to hurt and healing too.