Merry Everything!

It is Christmas Day and it has been magical and emotional and wonderful in ways I could not have imagined.  The only hard part was that Fiona decided at the 11th hour to go to the Big City and have her Christmas and birthday celebrations with members of her family who live there.  Rob and the rest of the kids were disappointed as was I.  I had planned her favorite meal, her choice of birthday dessert and of course there are gifts aplenty awaiting her.  We will get togethe at some point but it is unlikely that we will all be able to be here.  Rob typically works weekends which are the only times I am free and juggling around the kids regular responsibilities and part time jobs means maybe 3/5 of the family will be here when she decides to visit.  I am okay with that but it is likely Fiona will not be despite the fact that this change was here decision and not ours.

However the rest of our day has been beyond my imaginings.  KC asked that we get up 10 minutes before the rest of the family so that he could give my wife and I his gift privately.  I had no idea what it could possibly be but we agreed.  He wrote the most heartfelt loving letter to us that we both cried buckets reading it. Then he turned on the TV and he had made a video with a montage of pictures of the three of us as he has grown and a dance he had choreographed to a song called In Case you don't live forever.  I have watched it three times and bawled each time.  Most times I think we don't know how we touch one anothers lives (and that is ok) but in this rare magical instant, we know.

All the kids outdid themselves this year and being together is always my greatest gift.  I know that some time Rob will move out.  I know he has plans he is working toward. So every holiday he is here is a gift beyond measure to me.  Everyone's gifts were thoughtful and showed such love and care for the recipient.

Now a feast awaits and I plan to tuck in with abandon.  Happy Christmas, blessed Yule, Happy Hannukah--merry everything to everyone!

Happy Birthday Elisabeth!

 Tomorrow, I will have a newly minted teenager!  How is it possible that this sweet baby (who will of course always be my baby) is now entering their teen years.   Years of challenge and changes, tears and laughter, discovery of self and others.

I am one who often looks back over pictures.  They bring a smile (and sometimes a tear) to me.  I remember in that first picture how very little Elisabeth was. She is holding "Doll Doll" a stuffed sheep given to her when she came home by our friends who lived next door.  Doll Doll (though mightily worn through many years of loving) still sleeps in Elisabeth's bed each night.

 I remember when coordinating Easter outfits was a fun family thing.  Now, as older kids, they need to express their own sense of style and this is definately not an option any longer!

I remember when a trip for ice cream at a particular place was a refuge on a hot summer night.  Elisabeth is a huge fan of soft serve and they used to have 24 varieties of soft serve!  Sadly they are no longer in business but that smile and that cone bring them to mind.

My fearless child!  Elisabeth has always been the one to push her own limits and to test mine.  This picture is not the same year as the ice cream one--she loved that swim suit so much we had it in two sizes and they wore it for 4 years.  Younger than KC by 2 1/2 years I remember how she rocked this indoor water park challenge, even though   big brother was very timid about trying to navigate it.

 I have loved watching Elisabeth blossom as a dancer.  This picture was the first year she showed me she could do all her own make up without my assistance!  Only two years ago, yet the first of many things that will no longer need a mom's touch.

And Elisabeth just a week ago, as we prepared to hang a new ornament on our family Christmas tree.  In May they opted to cut their hair--something I had not done since birth--and at present the preferred hair style is just short curls.  This may also be part of Elisabeth's personal self discovery.  I have also been told that the preferred pronouns are they/their.  I am trying very hard to honor that. 

I believe so strongly that it is necessary to support our kids on their journeys, whatever that looks like.  But can I share that it is just hard  not to use her/she?  They feels plural and weird language to me. Can I share that I miss her long long locks (which by the time she cut them were about 4 inches longer than in the picture above)  But I keep reminding myself. This is their journey and life. I am just the one lucky enough to be along to watch the journey unfold.  Happy Birthday beloved Elisabeth!

It Happened and Chet Rocked it!

Who would have thought it?  I took a 2 WEEK VACATION!  The world did not end (though candidly I have had to go in early every day last week and likely next week in order to catch up!)  However, it was worth whatever extra work I need to do now.  We all had a fabulous time.

And the best thing?  The friends we went with had a blast too. There was zero squabbles.  There were 6 of their kids, and 4 of ours and everyone just got along. We shared a giant house with its own pool.  I was most worried about Chet as large groups can be over stimulating. And we were spending a lot of time in the Magical Place.  Theme parks also can be over stimulating.  However we brought sound reducing head phones for him to wear when things started to be too much for him.  He was resistant at first to employing them but eventually could see that they really do help.

I remain amazed at how accommodating D^sney is.  I brought documentation of Chet's status with us as I was concerned about his ability to maintain in a long line.  It turns out that there was a program whereby we could check in at a ride and be given a return time, allowing us to move elsewhere about the park, get a bite to eat, etc and then just return at the scheduled time.  Our friends have two children on the spectrum as well so we were all in the same boat and received the same accommodation.

I knew the other kids would have a blast and they did, in all the "typical" and expected ways.  It was also magical because Rob was able to be with us for the second week and I know that he hopes to move to the West Coast in the next year or two so this may be the last big family vacation with him. But watching Chet succeed at this, laughing and having a truly wonderful time--that is my great gift.  You need to understand that when he was little we could not even go to a small theme park (think Santas Village in NH or Story Land in NH) without horrible meltdowns.  I remember him biting me all the way to the car when he was about 8 because he was so overstimulated.   I remember being black and blue from being kicked.  Admittedly we did not have the correct diagnosis then, but the pain of not being able to share in a beloved parent/child experience was an emotional wound.  Now those memories will forever be outshone by two weeks of him laughing and having fun in ways I never knew he could.

I am a lousy patient!

Or perhaps I should have titled this the "impatient patient."  I am patient about a lot of things.  Traffic. Children. Relationship issues.  Taking time to heal?  Not so much. Last Thursday I had some surgery for removal of basal cell skin cancer. it was between my nose and eye.  I had it (ahem) about a year before I decided it was not eczema, or dry skin and yes, I probably should check it out.  A biopsy indicated that it was cancerous, but it was the "good" kind that moves very slowly.  The Dr assured me that i could even wait another 6 months for surgery if i wished to.  Instead, I opted for this October appointment, figuring that it gave me 4 days to recover and that i would be back at work on Monday.

As I lay there listening to him stitch me up (for the record that is the grossest sound I have ever heard!) he proceeded to tell me he wanted me to pretend I had the flu. . . for the next week.  His little vision was me lying abed watching TV.  For.A.Week.  I said that even when I have the flu I don't have the luxury of lying abed for a week. I have 4 kids at home with a variety of needs. I have a job. I actually have 2 jobs as I do piece work at home.  He was not amused.

I said I could compromise with 2 full days of rest Thursday and Friday (in part asI all ready went into this experience with a migraine and trust me the surgery didn't help that any) I would rest till 5 p.m. on Saturday but then was going to a birthday party with the kids at a dear friends house who I was not going to disappoint. And Sunday I could rest about 1/2 the day.

Angry surgeon scowl, but he finally agreed that since I sit behind a desk I probably was not going to die if I went back to work today.  I also promised not to do the grocery shopping as i am not supposed to lift anything heavy, and that I would empty the dishwasher by kneeling or squatting since I am not supposed to bend over.

So that is what I have done. I have an impressive black eye and  band aids galore covering the 3 inch incision but really, I am good.  Thursday the external stitches come out and then I probably can ditch the band aids.  Right now I tell people I am trying out different looks for Halloween!

I realize that not wanting to lie there is likely a problem with my personality.  But i have never been a lay around kind of gal.  I wasn't raised that way and I think it is way too late in life for me to learn that dubious skill.  As an example of my lack of lay-around ability, we are headed to Florida in November for 2 weeks.  My friend and I have planned a trip every day except for Thanksgiving. And that day we are hosting Thanksgiving for our 2 families and another family we know who will also be vacationing down there.  Doesn't everyone think dinner for 24 people sounds like fun?

And I won't forget to pack the sunscreen!

Cancer and Rocks

My SIL is fighting breast cancer. In some ways she has a good prognosis.  It is stage 1 and it was allegedly discovered very early.  That does not make it less frightening.  Especially since because the cancer is not estrogen based she still needs chemo and then radiation. And she had to have surgery to remove the tumor. And surgery to insert a port. Due to preexisting conditions, this fight is harder on her body than even it would have been without it. Emotionally it is hard as well because the diagnosis came when she was the same age as my MIL who did not win her battle with cancer. In our heads we know that this is a different fight.  The situations are not the same.  But it does not always feel different.  This convergance of emotional pain has also made my wife a bit distant and less able to be present for her sister. 

I have been trying to support my SIL as best I can.  We text back and forth a lot.  I send her silly bitmojis. I mobilized the kids to send cards periodically.  Then she called me and told me about a healing garden at the cancer center.  There is a large shallow bowl filled with rocks that have been painted with pretty designs and empowering words or quotes.  She wanted to take one from the bowl but found out that you were supposed to make one and replace it with one of your own.

My SIL is not crafty and she asked if she could take one and just bring it back when she beats this thing.  Of course they said yes.  As she was telling me the story she said that she felt bad doing that and that it was hard to choose the one she wanted as there were two that really spoke to her.  I said how about if I made her two rocks and she could replace those in the healing bowl and then she would get her two favorites. 

She loved the idea and texted me what she wanted on the rocks.  At our campout with church we were at the ocean.  The ocean always speaks to me of strength and healing and change.  This beach always has lovely rocks so the kids and I found 6 rocks so she could choose the ones she liked best.

I came home, worked on her two rocks and texted her the pictures. She loved them so much she wanted to keep them.  So thankfully I could do another two rocks!  Tomorrow these will get mailed to her and she should get them early next week.  I may be the fist person who mails rocks!  LOL

It is  a small thing but our lives are made up of many small things.  If this small thing brings someone a smile or comfort for even a moment I will be so grateful.

First and Last Campout 2019

We left home to clear skies and lovely crisp temperatures on Friday.  This was a much anticipated camp out. Partly because in a strange confluence of events it was our ONLY camp out this year.  Partly because this camp out at a retreat center in Maine with friends from our church and a neighboring church is an important launch to the Religious Education year for my kids.

Chet had a hard time on the trip up.  He was more frenetic than is typical and Rob was unable to come with us.  That may have played a role in Chet's behavior because whenever you deviate from the expected routine, his behavior decompensates.

 Also, the retreat center has instituted some new policies.  Some of those meant that Chet could not assist as a "porter" carrying people's bags to their rooms and showing them the room locations.  However, I had prepared for this and reminded him over the past three weeks about how this had changed.  It was now a staff job etc.  So during the time he would typically help others, he and I played a variety of card games on the porch of the dining hall and watched the moon rise over the waters.

Thankfully we also took a long beach walk as a family as the weather was lovely on Friday.  (note foreshadowing for Saturday's weather!  LOL) We also looked for small to medium sized rocks oval and smoothed by the ocean.  My SIL is fighting breast cancer and she recently spoke with me about healing rocks at the center.  They are painted with images and sayings that make the visitors to the center feel loved and strong.  She had taken two and knew she had to replace them, as that is their policy. She does not do crafts and had offered to bring back her two rocks when she no longer needs them.  I offered to paint two rocks for her and she has chosen what they are to say.  I hope the goddess guides my hands as I am not the most clever of painters and this is important to me. 

We found a variety of rocks that we screen shot to her so she could choose the ones she likes.  We also wrote her a message in the sand and sent that to her.  Her prognosis is good but the road to health is going to be long and challenging.  Despite hearing "stage 1" it is still scary.  And due to family history and aspects of her cancer, she still has to have chemo and radiation.  She shaved her hair this Saturday and sent me pictures. We texted while I was at the camp out.  I hope it helped  and that she could feel my love and support even though I could not be with her that day.

Friday night was cold.  We definitely felt the icy fingers of Lady Autumn as we lay in our tents.  It was 45 degrees when we woke in the morning.  Thankfully I am a bit of a veteran to this camping gig and had packed well and warmly.  The kids had argued bitterly with me back at home when I was gathering warm things. I think on Saturday they realized that Ooma might still know a thing or two as we were more than prepared!  (laughing again)

The whole of Saturday was cold and rainy off and on.  There was a bit of beach walking and lots of game playing and talking.  You know, I could choose to be angry that my only camp out had cold temps or I could find happiness in time to read, and talk with friends and play games.  I chose the latter as did the kids.  Chet had lots of kids who wanted to play Magic the Gathering with him so he was set literally for the day.

Saturday night was the talent show and bonfire with singing and more conversation.  It was late when we got to bed but I woke early as usual and joined friends on the beach for a short yoga session.  My yoga has improved over the years.  My balance is still less than what i wish it was, but it is better than a year ago.  My new class, while not necessarily feeling like it physically challenges me, has taught me more flow of poses and a sense of searching for quiet inside myself.

Of course today, in the capricious way of things, the weather was warm sunny clear and lovely.  However we had also learned that KC's close friend just lost her dad very unexpectedly.  (car accident)  He was trying to support her long distance and feeling somewhat emotionally worn himself.  Rather than prolong our day, we broke camp and headed home.  I was missing my wife, and i also knew I had 8 loads of camping wash to do, the tent to set up again and dry when we got home etc.

And so, the rest of the day has been spent cleaning the equipment so it is ready for next year, doing laundry so the work week can start smoothly, and remembering the sound of the ocean when I lay in our tent these past two nights.  I will miss that perhaps the most I think.

It was the kind of camp out that left me feeling very connected to my network of church friends, and also very aware of the fact that fall is truly here.  I watched red leaves skitter across the sand as I walked the beach.  I saw brilliantly scarlet sumac and gorgeous golden rod.  There was no denying the wheel has turned!

Hello Fall!

And just like that--summer was gone.  The air is crisp and cold tonight as I write this.  The moon rides high and full in the sky.  Part of me is still mourning the passing of summer. It will always be my favorite time of the year.  The warmth, the long hours of day light, the bird song are all special to me. I have saved up the memories to pull out and smile over during the cold days of winter.

But for now, like the grasshopper, we are busy!  Fall is fun too because there is just so much going on. I love being busy and I love that we like to do lots of things in the fall.  This weekend we are camping with our church in southern Maine.  It is a special time where the kids reconnect with friends and the adults gather and socialize.  The food is good, the company is fantastic and there are miles of beach to walk and enjoy.  There is yoga on the beach in the morning and I may even do that this year.  My yoga abilities while not stellar are a lot better than they used to be.  I would at least not embarrass myself. We leave tomorrow around noon and will return on Sunday.

Church begins the following week, although Elisabeth's coming of age class has all ready launched.  Rather literally actually as the first event was a canoe trip.  This will be an exciting and transforming year for her.  I can't wait to see how it unfolds for her. I have been lucky that all my kids have had this experience and it has without a doubt changed each of them profoundly.

Our city fall festival is coming up and the kids spend the day there helping the table that the dance school has and dancing at the festival.  This is another fall highlight for both kids. They love to be ambassadors for the dance school and to have the day down town with their friends.

Things have changed this summer.  It wasn't just the plants growing profusely in our gardens. or the rooms of the house during the seemingly endless house renovations.  Our kids have grown and changed as well.  Both KC and Elisabeth are increasingly independent.  They are adept at making plans and getting details so things will happen.(although ironically, Elisabeth excels at this a bit more than her brother.)

We are no longer the centers of their worlds.  As I told someone the other day, I am no longer the center of their universe, I have moved to one of the middle planets.  We are loved, and I know that, but as it should, their focus is moving outward.  We are not the first person they tell things to sometimes, and the things that occupy their world are wider than decorating for fall.  But they are both amazing kids and I am so proud of them and so very lucky to be their mom.

Yoga adjustments

I started going to yoga a couple winters ago with my friend.  She knew of a local hot yoga class.  It was a very cold winter and she said why not try it; I would at least be warm for an hour a week.  LOL  I did and I liked it.  The class was what was called Yoga Fit.

Anyone who knows me in real life knows that I am kind of  very competitive.  I love being pushed hard.  I love trying to beat a book time or my personal best when I hike.  I like to sweat.  So this yoga class was a good fit.  There was a lot of sweat. A lot of pushing.  A lot of core work.  And though my balance was awful my flexibility was awesome so I did well overall.  People were friendly and I kept going, long after my friend moved on to something different.

Life happens.  My yoga teacher's relationship ended. She decided to sell her house (where she had her studio) and bought a small condo. While she is actively looking for a new studio space, there have not been hot yoga classes this summer. 

Summer is also the time I usually take zumba classes at the dance school. But that teacher is on maternity leave so that was also not happening.  I do work out with an on line program but I am a social person.  I really look forward to these times for chatting and connecting with others. So I started looking around for classes.  None of the zumba classes fit the times I had available.  I still have to get kids to things even in the summer and my wife still works in the evenings, so there are specific date and time windows I can do something.  So I sadly crossed off zumba but found a yoga class literally down the street.  At a day and time that I could absolutely do.  Off I went.

Initially I was underwhelmed.  No one was friendly.  Seriously, NO ONE said hi when I walked in. They all kept talking and I had to wait 15 minutes before I could ask where to pay, introduce myself etc.  Not the greatest start.  And this was not a yoga fit class.  This was, what I sarcastically called "woo woo yoga" when I got home and told my wife about it that night.  It felt like everything was about breathing. 

Um, I know how to breathe. I've been doing it for 60 years.  I wanted to twist and bend and work my core til it trembled.  Instead we moved gently, stopped to breath.  Moved gently while we focussed on breathing.  Put our hand on our centers while we breathed. . . you get the picture I hope.  There was a song you were invited to sing at the beginning of class and the end of it. Except no one teaches it to you. 

But because there was no other class I could go to that fit my schedule, and because I am stubborn, I kept going.  I figured there is always something to get out of an experience and I was determined that this was going to happen. 

And it did.  Gradually over the course of the summer I have come to enjoy this class.  I still don't know the opening song (though I did learn the closing one) I have managed through my very persistant overly friendly nature, to get people to talk to me.  (I have no idea why that is so important to me but it is)

I have learned that being more gentle and focussing on breathing is not a bad thing.  While I don't have that burn I crave at the end of class, I usually do feel a lightness and a feeling I can not quite describe.  It has been worth it.  There is something to learn from every experience even when it is not the experience we thought we wanted.  My summer yoga sessions end next week because after that our fall schedule will make it impossible for me to come. But I am glad that I had this opportunity and I am glad I kept myself open to finding the worth within it.

Garden glories

The most intensely purple hydrangea!

Early in the spring our side yards are so sere and bare.  The land looks depleted and I despair of it looking nice.  Sure I know there are a billion hosta that will come up. But it is my wife who loves the hosta,   Me?  Not so much. I love color. I crave it like some people crave chocolate when they have PMS!  LOL  And the reality is that we have precious little time to really garden.  Weeding is at best hit or miss.  And a lot more miss than hit.  Yet somehow, this happens!  A riot of blooms. Color for weeks!  Stunning phlox, hydrangeas and sunflowers.  The echinecea plants had a spectacular year too.  Ferns made a verdant soft counterpoint to the color. Spirea bloomed with abandon.  I have a couple of rose plants and they did well.  My trumpet vine decided it was not dead after all and bloomed its heart out!

I am storing up all this colorful goodness. I know that we are on the ever darkening side of the wheel right now.  So I share these pictures and memories so that I will be able to look back in the depths of December and remember summer.

A riotous display of phlox

Sunflowers are one of my faves!

KC decorates!

KC has been working hard on the decor for his room.  It has honestly been a couple years now that he was mulling over color palettes and styles. Creating pinterest boards and wish lists on A*mazon.  He informed me that his room would have a feel of Broadway with his personality shining through.  he was right.   He chose a deep gray, nearly black, for the bottom half of the walls. This is actually old panelling.  The top 1/2 of the walls he chose an off white with a touch of creamy yellow. Actually maybe only a hint of yellow.  It is not a combination I would have chosen because I like really intense colors, but it is really stunning.  He has a two windows and an open doorway which have burgundy black out curtains. 

So the wall repairs have been done. The ceiling repairs done. The paint applied.  And KC has begun to purchase the items that will help make the space most truly his.  He chose some floating shelves and this engendered a great deal of conversation.  Our upper walls are all lathe and plaster so floating shelves don't have tons of support despite using mollys or toggle bolts.  However he was clear that nothing heavy would be on the shelves so we put them up.  I did not know exactly what he wanted to display.  KC is my guy who has always saved momentos from all manner of things.  Here is one shelf;
I asked him about the shelves.  He told me a story about them.  One is a tiny Wiggles car that was on his birthday cake for his wiggles birthday party.  I think he might have been 4 that year.  He has one of his Robeez baby shoes, his favorite bath toy from when he was tiny (a frog that squirted water) and his grandfather's compass.  In KC's words, it shows his progression from infancy to guiding him into his future.  Sheesh.  I didn't think about thinkgs like that for my room when I was 15 I assure you!

I don't have a picture yet of his second floating shelf but he devoted that one to his Coming of Age experience and church and his Youth Group experiences.  It too looks amazing.

Theater is a big part of his life.  He loves musical theater and while he has not starred in any yet, i expect at some point he may explore this. He has many friends in theater and he found this cool and inexpensive grid to hang playbills and favorite pictures:


Then he decided that he wanted pictures of his roles in the dance recitals.  He had a character role last year and will have one for the next 3 years so he found inexpensive frames at IKEA and created this:
                                            If you can't read the  wooden sign it says "I hope you dance" and he bought it on a mission trip last year.  The top left frame is filled all ready; it has his picture of his role as Don Lino in the school's recital.

There is more to come--he has ordered a rug in burgundy with gold accents.  He has also gotten a bookshelf that I'll write about some other time when I regale you all with our maiden voyage to the land of IKEA! For now I am just smiling at the fact that my son seems to know himself so well and has such a vision of what needs to be in his space to give him joy.

Jacob's Pillow

Anyone who reads my blog knows my kids dance.  KC is especially passionate about dance.  He wants to dance on Broadway, and have his own dance studio.  On July 4th instead of having our traditional BBQ we instead travelled to the western part of our state to a unique venue for dance.  Both kids were able to take a class from Kyle Marshall Choreography.  This was meaningful in a multitude of ways.

It is important for KC especially to get the experience of different teaching styles as he has been at the same school since he was 5.  The class was led by a black man which is also important.  I like my kids to see who they are reflected in the things they care about.  Most of the troupe were black, and although our local school is diverse, it is not as profoundly diverse as that.

The class was open to anyone 12 and older.  My two were definately the only ones under 18 and maybe under 20, but they held their own.  Elisabeth got a little swamped with the speed with which choreography was taught out but KC was definately in his element. 

And of course, I forgot to write about the experience because I woke with one of the worst migraines I have had in a long time and struggled through the day in sun glasses and eating next to nothing so as not to embarrass myself in public.  We stayed to watch the troupe perform after the class was over but bailed before the question and answer period because we had a longish drive back and by this time it was harder to hide how utterly miserable I was feeling.

The next day I "friended" the instructor on FB and send a private message just thanking him for the experience my kids had.  They literally talked about it all the way home and KC talked about it for days.  I expected nothing in response.  I just think that when cool things happen and your life is touched in a positive way it is nice to let folks know that happened. 

This morning when I opened FB there was a private message from the instructor, saying he remembered the kids and that they did well and he was glad they enjoyed it so much.  I showed it to them when I got home from work as during the summer they are still in bed when I go to work.  Both of them were excited all over again.  KC wants to do a summer intensive at the pillow, not next year but probably the year after.  It would mean living there for a month but would offer him a chance to see 15 performances in a variety of styles, take a vast amount of classes, perform there and peruse the dance archives which he desperately wants to see.

Sometimes I am still so shocked by his drive and the fact that he feels so keenly that this is what he was meant to do.  I didn't feel that way at 15.  Heck I didn't feel that way EVER until I became a parent.  That felt like the big thing I was supposed to do.  But career wise, I am still working toward my managership goal, but not with the passion that exudes from every pore of his being.  I admire the heck out of that!

 Picture is us setting out for the trek west!  Lipstick shades and ball cap to hide the fact that I look like the walking dead! LOL  The Pillow does not allow picture taking during performances or classes so I got none of the kids while they were rocking the outdoor stage. 

Summer Frenzy

Well not a frenzy I guess. But definately not a lazy summer with camping get aways interspersed throughout.  Instead, this has been a summer devoted to house renovations.  We started with Chet's room.  If you have never done over the room for a man who likes everything to stay the same and believes that they should keep the receipt for every purchase they made since 2007 you have not lived!  (insert laughter and an eye roll here!)

Chet's room has not been done over since he moved into this room at 17.  He is 33.  The wall paper was curling, the trim paint was grungy and the room was chock full of stuff he did not use any more (not to mention the aforementionedoh so important receipts that were literally filling every.single.drawer. of his six drawer dresser.

Like all things for Chet I know this would be hard for him.  Change is evil to him.  Even if it winds up something that he likes in the end, the process is agonizing to him.  So I tried to make this as painfree as possible by having him help me sort things for 15 minutes at a time.  Literally 15 minutes, during which time I would channel my inner Kon Mari and ask him "does this give you joy?" as I held up the receipts. Initially there was a lot of bluster about how important they were.  I would ask him to share with me what was important about them  (all using the same low key voice) and eventually he would say he thought he needed them.)  Usually at that point I could suggest that if he did not *know* he needed it, then it would likely be safe to recycle it.  The first drawer there was lots of yelling on his part.  The second drawer there was some yelling and some tears of frustration.  By drawer 3 he was beginning to embrace the declutter.  By drawer 6 he actually laughed about some of the things he had felt were so important to keep.

Of course if it was only the desk it would have been easy. But I also had to convince him that the pile of old underwear in the bottom of his closet did NOT need to be saved and mended for future use.  Trust me, there are street people whose undies had more fabric left to them than those did!  He has good clothes, he just genuinely believes he has to fix mend and staple together everything and keep using it.

I had him help me box his actual belongings and we stored them in my room.  We did some editing aas we went.  With some discussion he decided that the Harry Potter mylar baloon from his 13th birthday was no longer necessary to keep.  And there were other edits of a similar nature.  With the room emptied of all but a bed, and a dresser it was so much bigger feeling.  I think that might have actually been the sea change moment for him, though I would dearly love to say that it was all my gentle and consistant parenting through this process.

He LOVED how big his room felt.  Also as the walls had to be stripped of all the old paper, mudded primed, and the trim painted and a small ceiling repair done, it was sort of empty for a while.  I think I hit the autism lottery for that as it gave him time to really get used to it feeling more open and airy. 

The top of his walls are painted a dusky rose that he chose. Chet loves pink and this is a pretty shade.  The panelling on the bottom is painted a medium gray. He likes to make cards and I helped him organize all those supplies (previously hidden under all the receipts) into clear bins and they fit on a shelf in his closet.  We painted a cabinet to coordinate and put a cork board on one side so he can put receipts there for the short time and then because they are visible, I'll see them and can help him edit more regularly. 

He has a collection of colored mini carabiners that he wanted to make jewelry out of. That didn't work when he tried it but he wanted to keep the carabiners.  My talented wife figured out how to use them to hold up a curtain on one of his windows.  He got new curtains, we put new wood cladding on his two stairs in his room and convinced him he only needed one set of shelves.  We gave away the desk as it really would have just become a catch all of horrors again and I could not face that.  So using how much he loved the open feeling we got him to agree to getting rid of that and putting a small desk with only one drawer in his room to mount his TV on.  He also got a cute little leather chair to sit in and new mini lights (those ones on wires that hte kids love) to put around his room.

He helped put the art work back in his room but I guided him a bit so that things were not just shoved every which way.  There is more of a feeling of calmness with it like this and I have honestly seen him act more calmly overall since the re-do.

I can tell he loves his space.  I felt bad at times putting him through the stress of the renovation. And sometimes, truthfully I felt bad putting myself through it.  It can feel a little thankless when you are trying to do something nice and someone is acting like you are torturing them.  But at the end of the  

day, he survived, and he is proud of the new look and his space. 

Recital's Done!

Recital 2019 is in the books!  This pic is actually from the Thursday night dress rehearsal.  KC is wearing his character costume.  He was Don Lino in Shark Tale and this was the first year that he auditioned for an acting role.  Elisabeth is wearing my favorite of her costumes in this picture.  She wore this for a tap number and it looked amazing!

There are lots of better pictures of my kids out there on the internet because lots of friends with mad camera skills took them. But they also have lots of other people's kids in them and it feels wrong to put that on my personal blog.  So you are stuck with this one folks!

But it really isn't about the pretty costumes anyway.  It is about how proud I am of the way these two have grown as people and dancers this year.  KC was dancing with the high school kids this year.  Much bigger expectations of him dance wise and maturity wise and he delivered in spades.  Dance is truly his passion and we are all ready experiencing the sadness of the 3 week nights that he won't be dancing.

Elisabeth also has made huge leaps in her dancing abilities.  More than that, she has deepened her friendships within the group of girls she dances with.  They all met for ice cream after the first show and it was great to see her take off with them.  My kids are social by nature but Elisabeth has had some of the "mean girls" experiences this year in other aspects of her life.  It could have caused her to isolate herself and for a while it looked like she was trying to do that. But dance and the friendships forged by years at the barre prevailed.

Both had at least 5 numbers they danced in--I kind of lost count after awhile honestly as with the acting bits added it, one or the other of them was always changing and heading to the wings.  I am grateful too that friends from all walks of their lives came to see them.  They had 8 friends and family watching on Saturday and 11 on Sunday.  The support meant everything to them.  Now, the costumes are packed away and suppers are more leisurely and life is very boring  calm!

Review Day

Today was our annual review meeting at work.  We set goals a few months back and then our managers reviewed our progress and achievements over the past year and gave us our "report cards."  I scored extremely well; the comments will be of great help as I work toward securing  a full managerial position elsewhere in the coming year or two.  I received a great deal of recognition for the improvements I made at the site during the year that we were without a property manager.  It was slightly awkward as my senior portfolio manager wanted me to have a chance at the job.  And I of course very much wanted a chance at the job.  Our new manager is a very nice person and I have spent the past few weeks teaching her the duties that I did as interim for the past year.  It is a good thing that I have an odd sense of humor because it strikes me funny that I am "not qualified" to be the manager but I can teach the new manager.  LOL

But, in the review I was also promised that my company will pay for education for the certifications that are recognized in our industry for property managers. That is a great thing and an expensive investment on their part.  I doubt very much that I will ever be a property manager for my present employer, but I'll get the certification and be in a better position to move elsewhere.  I feel that I have abundantly shown my abilities and they appreciate them but do not see me as a manager at this site. So, it will be time to move on when the classes I need to take are done.  I also got a raise and a bonus which are also very nice.  But it isn't all about them money and while that will help with bills, I have my eyes set on a goal that does not involve staying in this position till I totter off to the old folks home. LOL

I have begun to research other management companies. There are so many tools out there to help get a read on the culture of companies and since I am not in a crisis situation I am taking time to be thoughtful about this and when I make a move, it will be one that will benefit my career and my family.

KC is 15 Late Post

So my tech skills are still weak.  It is my youngest man-ling's 15th birthday today.  I can't quite wrap my head around this.  That middle pic?  Pretend it is the first one in the series.  That was probably when he was about 5 months old.  He was a preemie and so so tiny.  In that picture the newborn clothes were still big on him, but at least we had made it out of the doll clothes section!  I remember how utterly petrified we were bringing him home.  This young, precious life was entrusted to us and we.were.not.ready.  No one ever is.  I think you can read 50 billion books, take classes, read blogs, and baby sit your heart out, but it is not the same.  KC was not our first child, but he was our first infant and as such there were many firsts with parenting him that we had not experienced with the other kids.  Thank the goddess that he was an easy and forgiving baby!

The picture on the far right is of KC after dance recital last year.  Ever since he was 2 he has wanted to dance.  He would flit around the house waving my wives sparkly fabric bits and create shows in our front hall where he did his version of tap dancing.  It took till he was 4 to find a studio that was boy friendly and a non competition studio, but once we did, he has never left it.  He has added to his dance classes year by year, increasing in knowledge and ability. 

The first picture in the series.  That is KC today.  A strong 15 year old with goals, dreams and the drive to succeed.  He works part time at a local market. He helps teach at the dance school.  He volunteers in a classroom at church and helps at the library.  He is funny, loves word play, graceful, emotional and we are so very very blessed that he is our son.

I wanted this birthday to be special for him and in true J-E Team fashion it was special in ways we did NOT expect.  I had purchased tickets to Tap Dogs. They are a cool dance troupe he wanted to see.  They had medical issues and the night before our performance they cancelled.  Our tickets were refunded but they are not touring in our area the rest of the year.  KC took it with better grace than I did.  We've been sitting on these tix for about 2 1/2 months!  I was bursting with excitement for him.  He reminded me that such things happen with live performances, which is very mature and very true.

Then KC got sick.  Very sick.  Wound up on an antibiotic and missed a whole week of work and basically had the most low key birthday one could imagine.  He even had us cut the birthday pie he had requested without him blowing out the candles because he was coughing so much he was afraid of contaminating the rest of the family.

But for all that there were still presents and laughter, and even a birthday that went so far south from what was planned will be part of the memory montage for a son we love so dearly.

No Promotion After All

It has been over a year since my former boss was promoted to another position within our company.  For  awhile now it has looked like i might at long last receive the chance to be the property manager.  My regional manager was very much in my corner and advocated for me.  I had a lot of extra duties which I fulfilled successfully.  I reduced our vacancy at the site and increased our collections. I held staff meetings and dealt with grumpy tenants.  And more.  I also kept my own regular work load up to date.

However at the end of the day, someone else will become manager on the 29th of this month.  I could tell how upset my regional was at having to impart this to me.  But it was not unexpected.  The thing I do not have is a certification in property management.  I have a number of other work related certifications but am not a certified property manager.It was my hope that because I fulfilled all additional duties beyond expectations and sought out other things to do, that I would perhaps be promoted and given a time frame to obtain the ARM designation.    I will get that designation too. And all the things I did?  They are just new skills.  They are things that now go on my resume as things I can do for the lucky company that will hire me away.  But I will get the certifications first.  My company pays for education.  (insert wry chuckle there)

My coworkers have been very sweet about it all. They all thought that I had been promoted because a memo went out of available positions and our site was no longer on it.  It has been obvious that i was doing things that were outside the regular scope of my job, so they thought there would soon be a big cool announcement.  I appreciate that vote of support too, as I have had to push our team in some new directions this past year and growing pains are not always comfortable.

So am I sad? I'd lie if I said no. But am I devasted?  Nope.  My job is one facet of who I am and while I love affordable housing and am passionate about it, it is not all that I am.  And I also think there is something great out there waiting. 

Youth Group Sunday

So proud of this guy this morning!  He read two prayers that he wrote during Youth Sunday service at church.  KC is a deep thinker and his words were beautiful.  I am so proud of the young man he is becoming.  In only a few weeks he will be 15.  This momma can't quite grasp that.  But I am in awe watching him flower and grow and stretch himself trying new things.

This was the first time he has participated in a Youth Sunday service and the parts he took were very important ones.  Around his neck in this picture is his grandfathers wedding ring on a chain.  His grandfather was a Unitarian Universalist minister.   My mom gave KC that ring a few years ago when she felt he was old enough to appreciate it and care for it.  It means a great deal to him and when he chooses to wear it, it is always a sign of something deeply personal going on. 

A hairy Matter

So this is my KC.  He is 14, well, nearly 15 now.  A sweeter, kinder and more hardworking kid you would be hard pressed to find. Yes, I am his mom, but it is truly not blind parental love here.  He has been working at a local grocery store since the fall.  The store is the only employer in the area who will employ 14 year olds.  Everything else is pretty much 16 or older, or only seasonal.  At the store, he has consistantly worked 9 to 10 hours weekly. 

See the hair?   KC loves his hair.  It is part of who he is.  It is also against the dress code of the store.  The handbook states that males can not have dyed hair.  It is hard to see in the picture but KC's hair is tipped blond.  Because of  his "non traditional" hair color he has to wear a store ball cap when he works.  He despises the ball cap.

Last week he decided to have the blond trimmed out of his hair.  I was happy as it was  kind of damaged from the bleaching and it is healthier for the hair to trim it out.  But his impetus was so that he did not have to wear the ball cap when at work. Off he went to work, sans cap.

When I picked him up after his shift I could tell something was wrong.  He said that his manager told him his hair was "too wild" and he still had to wear the ball cap.  Let's be clear, there is no definition of "wild" or "tame" hair in the employee handbook.   Let us also be clear that although I have seen a number of black employees in the store, they are typically  female cashiers, not 14 year old male baggers.

I have worked since I was 14 too.  I know companies have the right to decide how their brand is represented by their employees. My employer  only allows female employees to have one ear piercing.  I also believe that there is a significant level of inherant racial bias in the matter in question.  However at present, the law appears to side with the employer.  Witness this recent court ruling regarding dread locks.  KC's hair is tall but was clean and neatly picked and shaped. 

We talked all the way home about the situation.  I was clear that I do believe it is unfair and that it may have inherant racial bias in the policy>  He is justifiably hurt and angry, but also sees that in other aspects the company has been good to him and to other co-workers.(he gets hours consistantly, he is in other aspects treated politely, a co-worker friend who had an incident of sexual harrassment had it immediately and appropriately handled.)  We spoke of how he basically had two options, he could keep his hair style and continue to wear the ball cap, or he could look on line for some more traditional styles that he might like and show them to a supervisor for approval before he committed to a change.  He is deciding what course of action he wants to take.  He gave me a big hug when we got home and said "I just hope my kids don't have to go through this too someday."  Me too, son

Fiona's yearly meeting

Tuesday I attended Fiona's annual ISP meeting at her group home.  It has been harder for she and i to visit the past few months. She works on Saturdays now and Sundays we are typically at church till noon and then KC is back there for youth group about 5ish.  So we have been talking a lot on the phone and keeping in touch that way.  But nothing beats face to face so I got her a coffee and got there early enough that we had time to just chat.  Her cousin had said she was going to attend the meeting as well but did not come after all.  I worried that this disappointment would impact Fiona's ability to participate in her meeting but she carried on with aplomb.

And the meeting went so well.  Fiona struggles often to stay regulated and to express herself in ways that do not involve physical outbursts.  But over the past year she has made steady and consistant progress in this regard. She has also been able to save for several big ticket items--the first saving up over $700 to go and do a wardrobe re-do. The second paying for a new bedroom set on layaway which involved 6 months of steady saving--and also forgoing the more immediate and transient pleasures that she would otherwise use her money for.

She has a job, two shifts a week at a local college doing food service work in the cafeteria.  Best of all, she is more open about sharing what her dreams and goals are, what she does or does not want to do, and does not show a lot of the body signs that  previously signalled severe anxiety.

I know there are likely to be inevitable setbacks but overall, my girl is rocking it!!  I am so very very proud of her.

Vacation Plans

We are trying to plan a two week vacation in Florida this year.  We will share a house with friends so there will be 8 kids between us.  It is an exciting possibility.  Vacationing with friends allows my wife time to go have quiet reflective time without me feeling lonely or at 6s and 7s.  I am an extrovert who loves to spend time with people.  She is a friendly introvert and her idea of fun is a day of utter silence.  That has always felt like torture to me!

So this gives those of us who want to socialize the opportunity to and those who do not wish to a chance to hang out by a pool on the lanai.  It is less expensive to rent a house together and the houses for rent are ginormous! 

The kids are excited because they are all good friends--we have camped together for years now--and they just flow in a nice easy group.  If we pull this off it also means that my company should be quiet proud of me as I will use more vacation time than I have in the last three or four years.  It was brought to my attention that I lose rather a lot of vacation time each year.  I knew that, but have a hard time figuring out how to logistically take time off.  And I get enough time off to recharge so I have never worried about it.

Being there two weeks means we will have time for Disney but also time to have fun at the house and to see other sights.  There is the possibility the new Star Wars will not be open.  I was afraid that KC would then not want to go but he thought about it and decided that there was still so much that would be fun that he could totally still be excited about going.  It may also be the last vacation that Rob is around to come on with us.  He hopes to move to California in about a year .  Whether he actually gets across the country or not I know that the times that he will want to come on a family vacation are fleeting.  KC can see that as well and wants to make sure Rob is with us if possible.

So here is to planning and possibilities, dreaming of warm places on these still chilly nights!

Dancing Along

Dance has resumed from winter break and not a moment too soon for my two impatient young dancers.  Most especially, KC misses the classes during any hiatus.  After a couple days of rest (literally) I hear "I miss dance so much."

Last night he came out of his ballet class literally on cloud 9. He felt he had made great strides on his tour jete, and chatted about it all the way home.  He also assists with teaching a class on Wednesdays and was telling me all about how well his students were doing and how they were nearly ready for the winter show.  He was glowing with pride as he told me and I am so filled with gratitude that he has this opportunity.  Not just the opportunity to grow in his dancing skills but the chance to learn how to share that passion with others and inspire them.

Finding Me

Or perhaps I should say, finding more of me.  I got a little lost there for a few years.  Lots of kids, lots of stuff going on.  It was and is, all GOOD.  This is not a whine post.  I have enjoyed the parenting journey more than I have words for.  Sure there have been and will continue to be hard times. But my kids and my wife?  They are the best of my life.  Hands down.  That said, I have realized that along the way, kid needs, family needs, tended to supplant any time for myself.  I certainly enjoyed taking the kids to the park every night. And I got some level of fitness from it.  But was it a work out?  Not really.  I grew to treasure summers not just because it is my favorite season, but because with no taxi responsibilities for the kids activities I could take zumba once a week. (and the year she offered it twice a week, I was there for both of them.)

I discovered hot yoga purely because it was the only thing that fit my schedule year round.  Most Saturdays I can devote 9 to 10 a.m. to my yoga practice.  Not every Saturday, but most.  And when I started doing that, I started realizing that really, an hour a week for myself was maybe not quite enough.

I started carving out more time to read in the evenings before i fell asleep.  I refuse to let myself go to sleep  after just doing piece work and planning the next homeschool class.  I told myself I could stay awake for at least 20 minutes each night to read and found that most nights I exceed that. (perhaps even a bit more than i should, but oh, the joy of a good book!)  Because I am on Goodreads I learned the other day that last year I read 53 books!  I think the year before I read something like 12 so that is really a big improvement.  I was always a big reader, somehow evening exhaustion, the challenges of reading in bed when you had two littles that coslept. well it had just drifted away for a bit.

Likewise I have been making time for more fitness in my life. I am weird in that I like to work out.  It relieves stress and helps me feel warmer for at least the 30 minutes or so that I am doing the routine.  I joined an on line fitness group with unlimited videos to follow so that i can keep changing up what I do and do it in the comfort of my home.  It seems doable even when the taxi duties resume next week.  Thus far I have exercised regularly this week and I love that I can change what I do.  Tonight it was Barre and yoga, last night I did a step class. 

It is important to keep this body moving.  This carcass is nearly 60 now and though I have always been flexible and am not a person prone to aches and pains, flexibility and tone just doesn't hang around if you don't work to make it so.  I want to be able to do hikes that interest me, to walk on beaches comfortably long into the future.  Making that a reality means not forgetting to move now.

All of that also I hope helps me to be a better parent and a better spouse.  When I am more relaxed I am more attentive, more receptive to others.  I am a "fixer" by nature, but if i have worked out I am more likely to just listen which tends to be what people really want, instead of charging off trying to save the day!

So though I will likely never again be able to spend 3 and 4 hours a week in a dojo, I have found a reasonable way to enjoy myself and meet this need. 

Ready,Set, Go!

It is early morning and my vacation is over.  Soon i will get into my freezing car and head to work.  I have enjoyed my vacation greatly but I am also (I think) ready to return to work. Too much down time leaves me feeling restless.  I am better about lazing around (what my friends call relaxing but what to me feel like lazing!) in the winter.  I did some workouts, took some walks, got the things done around the house that needed doing post holidays.

But by yesterday I had wrapped that all up.  And today I would have been seriously bored.  So today I am grateful to return to a job that has sustained our family for many years.  And for continuing opportunities to prove to my superiors that I am ready for the managerial position  I have been lobbying for.

1/1/2019

Happy New Year Everyone!  We had fun last night with the kids.  It was low key, movie and chatting, snacking and watching the ball drop.  It is still so exciting to them to stay up till midnight that little else is required for a full night of fun! 

Today I spent the day cleaning and cooking, readying our house, our lives and my mental mindset for the new year and the return to normal schedules.  Well, semi normal.  I go back to work tomorrow but dance and scouts do  not resume till next week.  Still, the lazing around time is done.  I have enjoyed it. 

I am not good at lazing.  It always takes me till almost the end of vacation to actually sleep in, but I did manage that for two days!  Today was beautifully warm for our part of the country in January so I took advantage and removed all the exterior decorations.  We dismantled the tree and put those things away as well. The attic is organized with the return of the holiday decorations to their corner.

I made red lentils for good luck and had that for supper. I actually love to cook black eyed peas for good luck but nary a black eyed pea could be found in my north east supermarkets!  So my next go to is always red lentils.

My wife and I spent time brain storming the logistics of a couple of house things we need to do in 2019.  The biggest of these is sanding and urethaning two high traffic floors.  I learned how to sand and urethane this summer on our upstairs halls.  These floors really need love.  The hard part is actually the emptying of the rooms, and creating the plastic barriers to minimize the dust going everywhere.  Our dining room has a lot of furniture--a table and chairs for 12, two antique china cabinets and a side board.  Our work room has a goodly amount to relocate as well.  This can't happen till the spring but it actually was super helpful to work out a time line--how long to empty the large china cabinets for instance and where all that glassware will be temporarily relocated.  I am equal parts dreading and looking forward to this project.  I know how amazing it will look when it is done, it is just living through the doing.

Though that is true for many things in life, isn't it?