Are We Done?

Ever since I can remember I have wanted a big family. Not a mega family. I don't think I have what it takes to parent more than say 6 kids. For some reason 6 seems like such a perfect number to me. I don't know why. I think I hung around with two families when I was very young who had 6 kids in their families and likely I glommed onto it then.

Yet increasingly, K and I have been saying to one another "are we done?" It is such a hard decision. K is feeling pretty strongly that she is definately done with babies. Between Lissa and KC we will have spent close to 7 years in diapers (and that isn't counting 2 yrs of pullups for Rob at night when he came to us!) and she is ready to be done with diapers. She did sort of hint that if I would go the disposable route she might reconsider but I am a cloth diaper die hard. Except for Rob and the aforementioned night pullups I have always been a huge advocate of cloth diapers. Better for their skin, better for the environment, better for our wallet. And truthfully, I doubt we could afford disposables.

And there is the real fact of our ages. We are both 50 now. I don't feel 50 whatever 50 is supposed to feel like. People don't think I am 50 when they meet me. But the fact is I am. And despite my good living, vitamin loving, healthy exercise freaky lifestyle, we are all going to take the next step on the journey some time. I don't really mind taking the step. But I don't want to leave little children behind.

So in those 2 paragraphs I have probably effectively ruled out infant adoption again. Though I keep dreaming about babies which is weird. I don't usually remember my dreams but the past few weeks my nights have been filled with babies. And I don't know if part of that is because we were supposed to have one more baby. My sister's little Izzy which she lost in a miscarriage.

Could I make myself do a social services adoption again? I don't know. We were so taken over the hurdles with Rob and his sister I just don't know. OTOH there are children who need homes, who need love (and yes, I am not being simplistic, I know they need other things too) but I just don't know. Would just having done it once make me wiser to the things that go unsaid and that need to be found out? What age would work? I see in Rob who i love deeply the scars from the first 5 years of his life. You don't get a do over. You get to try and help them heal and sometimes they do. And sometimes there are just scabs and sometimes, like with Fiona, there are always oozing sores no matter what you do, no matter what you try. This does not mean to imply that KC and Lissa were without issues. They were both born drug exposed, Lissa much more than KC but both had withdrawal issues. KC had low birth weight, prematurity and a "heart incident" in the words of the NICU.

And then there is the pragmatic in me. Why would I feel the need to go and throw all our effective systems into the air with another adoption? Right now life is pretty darn good. They all have their moments but by and large they feel safe, secure, and they know what the expectations are in our family. All that changes with the addition of another child. There are new issues, new dynamics to work out, and it all takes time. And work, did I say work? (grin)

So for now, I guess we are done. Maybe. . .