Fiona Called

It has been a long time since we 've heard from Robbie's bio sis Fiona. I write to her each week and send a picture of the kids (or rotate pics of each of them doing something singly) weekly. It is sort of a leap of faith in a lot of ways as I hear back infrequently and it is like a message in a bottle in the ocean. You just hope someone is reading it, feeling comforted by the knowledge that they are loved.

But tonight she called! She sounded so different. So together. She was speaking clearly--often her words are hard to understand because she slurs them depending on moods and meds. But she was clear and happy sounding. Rob was in the shower so KC got to talk to her first. I know he doesn't really remember Fi beyond the pictures we have around and the stories we tell of visiting her. But he is a happy soul willing usually to chat with anyone and tonight was no exception. She said she was calling to say she was movin' on and did he know what that meant. He said it meant she was going somewhere and where was she going? Pretty good for 5! LOL She doesn't know where. She doesn't know when--but it is some Tuesday. Fiona has trouble understanding time and calendars. But later when it was my turn to talk she was still bubbly and happy. It makes my heart sing to hear her so animated and so engaged. It is what I want for her. She has been participating in a lot of day trips, to the zoo, the beach and other places where kids would want to spend time in the summer.

I am petrified that moving her will result in the progress being undone. I am an optimist by nature, but I have been through these moves from restrictive to less restrictive to hospitalization to restrictive to less restrictive . . . over and over. Less restrictive typically is frightening to her and her behaviors escalate rapidly. She becomes explosive, unsafe, and unstable. Typically she winds up in a situation of attempted self harm.

I want this to work for her. I want her to have some measure of happiness. PLEASE let this work for her.

She said she loves the pictures and the cards that I send. They are not going to the void, or to the ocean. They are going to my daughter. The child who can not live in my home but can always live in my heart.