First Family Contact

I think first family contact is very important for adopted children. We are all of us the sum of the many paths our lives have taken, a mosaic of both smooth and jagged pieces.  Hopefully, in the presence of enduring, patient love, it becomes beautiful and good and stronger than it would be if we walked our paths alone.

I have worked hard to make sure my middle son has as much contact with his first family as is safe and appropriate.  I have worked hard to try and help them see that I love him.  Deeply and completely and that I want us to be present in his life in positive ways.  I have worked hard to show that I care about his first family members and I am not being fake.  I do care.  Stuff happened.  Some of it was their bad.  Some very likely was a system breakdown beyond their control and things spiralled out of control.  But none of that was my doing either. I am not evil incarnate just because I was blessed with being his adoptive mom  My doing is the day to day parenting and loving of my wonderful, albeit occasionally challenging (!) 14 year old son.

So why did my stomach clench when I read Jane's email this a.m. telling me that she had received a letter from Rob and Fiona's mom?  Apparently the cousin who is writing to Fiona now suggested to their mom that she might want to write and so she did.  Jane has not given the letter to Fiona at this point. She said it is disjointed and rambly and apologetic and that when contact happens it needs to be in a therapeutic manner.  My first thought was that I wanted this for Fiona for so long.  Years and years ago one of her many therapists thought she might heal and be able to attach to us if she was given permission by her first mother to do so.  That she would stop feeling that living and loving in another relationship was a betrayal.  At the time, we could not find her first mother.  And eventually, her behavior deteriorated still more and the idea was taken off the table by the therapy team at the time.

Now, if this can happen in a way  that will help Fiona, I am really glad.  She is 18 now.  Technically an adult, though in many ways trapped as a child in ways similar to my Chet.  But she deserves that apology.  She deserves to know that her mother loves her.  The key of course, is to do this in a manner that is healing.

And there is Rob to consider to.  Like many teen boys he is loathe to talk deeply and I know that if Fiona gets a letter from their mom that she will want--and need-- to share this with her brother.  This is right and proper.  But I need to figure out what to say to Rob and how best to help him navigate these waters too.  His feelings may well be different.  He may not remember her clearly and feel upset about that.  He may be angry or confused as to why Fiona got a letter and he didn't. And for both of them there is the fact that mom has since had another child, around my Lissa's age. To the best of my knowledge she is parenting that child.

Luckily for me I guess, Jane is not passing on this letter as is.  She feels that this particular letter will inadvertantly cause more harm than good and that she will focus on the relationship building with Cousin first and then work with mom on a way to communicate that will be healthier. So I have more time to process and think, and plan--I think!