Chatting with Jane

Jane called tonight as Fiona was in her room and unwilling to make a phone call.  I suppose her DCF worker would call this not working her phone plan but the reality for Fi is that she can't envision doing anything but what she is doing in any given moment. If she gets caught up in something, even something simple like folding laundry, because she lives so here and now she can't transition to something else, even if it is something she wanted to do or have happen.  Of all her issues, this is the easiest for me to understand as in many ways, my Chet is also like this.  What is not seen, what is not here and now, simply does not exist. (for example for Chet, putting a pair of PJ's in a closet with the door shut makes them invisible. It does not occur to him to open the closet when the weather gets chilly and take out warmer PJ's.) 

The good part of Fiona wanting to do whatever in her room was that Jane and I could talk freely. I told her that I hoped my email regarding the DCF workers comments made sense and was not rude, but that I under NO circumstances want my relationship with my daughter to be held hostage and to be a carrot for a behavior plan to enable her to visit her first mom.  If she is able to have those visits, she.needs.to.have.them.  But she also needs to know that I mean what i have always said.  That she can tell me what is in her heart, even when it hurts her or hurts me. That she is loved. That she is my daughter.

Jane got it and will address this with the DCF worker. She said it was a very out of the blue comment and she was blindsided by it as well.  I have no doubt of the good intentions of the worker but it was just flat out not smart in my humble opinion.

Hopefully we will travel into the Big City in 2 weeks to see Fiona and Jane.  Cousin N and her daughter will also be invited to join us.  Tentatively we will visit a museum that has a lot of cool kids things going on but details of the day are sketchy right now.  While it is  undeniably easier for me if Jane brings Fiona out here to visit I think alternating is probably a better plan for Fiona. First of all, as much as she loves being here, I know there is a deep anxiety on her part that she will screw it up somehow.  The last thing she needs right now is more stress.  But even more than that, her coming here and then us going to her, gives her a chance to see the reciprocity that should exist in a healthy relationship.  It allows her to be a hostess, which is a role she shines in.  Jane hadn't looked at it that way, but thought it made a lot of sense so we will see how things play out.