"He must be spoiled"

Yesterday one of my friends and her child were at the  party we were at.  Her little boy was having an obvious hard time handling the party and the free flowing nature of using the gymnastic equipment.  Unlike a traditional class where one progresses through stations, this was open gym and kids were all over the place doing things.  Also because some kids were not regular gym attenders there were accidental missteps in etiquette with some kids cutting in line etc.  All of this my kids were cool with--though I will say Lissa has the most baleful of glares and she turned it on the boy who 'cut' in front of her, but said nothing.

However, my friend's child really really was challenged.  It was reminiscent to me of my eldest's behaviors, though somewhat less intense than Chet was.  But he was clearly overwhelmed and cried repeatedly, and ultimately interacted very little.  I think he wanted that quiet station to explore but every time he found a station, a bunch of other kids would descend upon him and the vicious cycle would repeat.

By the end of the party, he had no social graces left.  My friend was trying futilely to get him to thank the birthday girl for inviting him and he was having none of it.  Copious tears and despite a time out he was unable to get it together enough for that.  My friend is the epitome of a gracious hostess and I could tell she was mortified.  I just smiled and said something about how he was just a little overwhelmed and she looked pretty grateful.

The thing is, I WAS her.  Only worse, frankly for years and years and years.  In reality Chet didn't get invited to such events, but family parties, church pot lucks, field trips, were all beyond his ability to cope in a manner that others would classify as "normal."  I spent years being mortified and finally just avoided the scenarios where we would be judged.  Ironically, extended family were a big part of what I avoided.

When I was emailing my mom about the incident, she wrote back and said  "he must be spoiled."  And I thought, how very sad.  With all the talk about differences, about how mental health issues can be hidden, non neurotypical behavior and more--this is still where most of society is.  If a child doesn't conform, they must be spoiled.  My poor friend.