Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Fiona and facing fears

Fiona normally calls on Tuesdays, but again tonight our only call was Jane. She said that Fi had "declined" to call and that she was not sure exactly what was going on.  It is of course, complicated.  Fiona's peer role model at the school (someone all the students apparently look up to) has been in a very negative space lately.  This can translate to those feelings being picked up on and bought into by other students and could be a factor in Fiona's recent behavior.

Jane also mentioned that Fiona became very upset after her third visit with Cousin N because she thought a home visit was the next step.  She expressed fear of that and Jane was not sure why but felt it was genuine and rooted in the past history.  I said that at one point Cousin N lived in a fairly unsafe area with a borderline boyfriend who appeared to do borderline things.  My Rob was afraid to go there and we always accompanied him on the visits.  Fiona went there several times when she was at the RTC near to us.  I don't know what happened there but it is possible that she saw something heard something, or experienced something fear producing.  Needless to say there has been no home visit to Cousin N since she re-appeared in Fiona's life. In fact I am not sure how much Cousin N is involved truthfully.

I did stress to Jane that I don't think Cousin N is in the same type of relationship or living in the same type of environment that she was at that point.  I think she sees life through a different lens of both experience and from the result of some positive choices she has made recently.  But for Fiona, that is harder to understand.

Jane feels that Fi's  fear concerning her cousin may also overlap into our family dynamic.  Sometimes the fear and the blame does not get placed at the source but just the one that is trusted.  I get that.  I told Jane that my primary concern was that we somehow help Fiona so that she does not trap herself in a cycle of not connecting with us because the more alienated she makes herself the more emotional turmoil she is going to feel.  She always does best with the supports of love and family in her life--as do most of us.

Jane also wondered if the fact that Fiona had been wanting a visit home was part of this and it may be.  I have suggested that I write to Fiona and suggest that she decide whether she wants our  next visit to be here at home or if she would rather that we go to the Big City again and do something fun there.  I would rather make the trip than have her slide back into lack of communication and depression or anger.

I think Jane was surprised by the suggestion but she thought it was a good one. Typically the Great School has a policy that a certain number of phone calls happen before an off site visit.  I said that given that up till recently we have had weekly calls, I hoped that if we got a call in next week that we could visit somewhere on the 16th.  I also think that Fiona is a person who gets anxious waiting for something to happen.  My Chet is like that also and sometimes you just need to grab some hope or faith and just do the thing you want to do.  Amazingly Jane went with that.  She will present the results of our phone consultation to the team and get back to me either by phone or email, but tonight or tomorrow I will write to my daughter. 
I did tell Jane that I had finally found the pink ipod that she wanted and that it was supposed to be her gift on awards night.  I will send that with the letter and we will see what happens next.

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