When I actually *think* about my rant!

So yesterday I did this big old vent/rant about my sister and her rather abrupt self invite to our home for Thanksgiving. I hoped of course that venting about it would make me stop thinking about it but that is of course not usually the way of things. At least not for me. I have to puzzle away at something until it makes sense to me and then I can let it go. And my sister is a puzzle. A big fat Rubiks cube puzzle to me. I could never DO Rubiks cube. LOL Her motivations mystify me. Our differences sometimes stagger me. I also understand that although I very much want a relationship, I don' t want it at the expense of feeling used. And I realize also that there really are not words,or at least I don't have words, for how all of this really made me feel. There are some obvious ones, but they tend to be superficial. The incident was very much a "call to Jesus moment" for me on our real-ationship. Because the one I want, and envision may not be what she wants or envisions. Or is emotionally ready to give. And I very much suspect, given the fact that she is 47, that things are not gonna change any time soon. I am working on being more open to having the relationship on terms she can be comfortable with, without permitting myself to be an emotional doormat.

And why is that important? Because Rob and Fiona have a very flawed relationship too. Theirs is so much more damaged than my relationship is. I have a lot of good memories of the 2 of us from childhood. Rob doesn't. There are fearful memories, scary things, both caused by Fiona and caused by their shared reactions to experiences kids should not have. There are memories of rages and assaults, property destroyed, and the times we sat waiting to visit with Fiona while she raged screaming in another room.

Rob's response to this at the moment, seems to be to decide that Fiona isn't part of his life. He does not want to write or communicate much with her. When I told him one day that I had talked to his sister's therapist, he acted like he thought i meant Lissa. I doubt he really thought that. I think that he has a coping mechanism right now that involves just shutting a door. I suspect when he is ready, he will open it. Because if my feelings are any kind of bell weather, there will come a point when he is ready to dig a little deeper, and to see what kind of relationship they can have. I want to watch for the signs and support him when he is ready.