Emailing with Jane

So Jane emailed me at work today about how great last night's phone call  She had also  forgotten to tell us  that there will be a student assembly one evening in April and she was hoping it would be possible for one or more of us to attend.

She also said that she has been in contact with Fiona's cousin and they have spoken about Fiona's grandmother ( who is deceased but was very much beloved by Fiona)  but not discussed Fiona and Rob's sister Crystal or their first mom.  Jane feels it is coming time to broach these topics and wanted my opinion on how best to do this. Um, say what?  I just about choked on my morning coffee. Color me unqualified here people! My degree is in business admin and that so doesn't apply.

So I thought about things for a while and I wrote back that although I know the hard part about talking about Crystal is that she was adopted by family (the cousin who is now in contact with Fiona and Jane.  However she doesn't live with this cousin as things didn't go according to plan and she lives with another family member geographically very far from all of us) However, Fiona seems open and happy about a relationship with her cousin and not resentful of the fact that she was not part of that adoption plan.  The two girls are barely 11 months apart, there are a lot of good memories that Fiona has of them together, so I weighed in on starting with that relationship.

Her first mom is a harder situation as she now lives geographically close to Fiona and she has another child around our Lissa's age that she is parenting.  When D found out about this he was extremely upset.  I confess that I have not even begun to wrap my head around how to talk with Rob about this. I see this part of the family history as being infinitely more painful and challenging to process for Fiona.  Fi often spoke to me of her anger with her mom for the fact that she had so many children when it was clear that she was having trouble caring for them.  Fiona also felt for a long time (and may still) that she herself was to blame because as the eldest child she should have somehow kept the family unit together. My sense from my conversation with the cousin is that their mom is still distant with her own extended family although she lives fairly near to them. There is not a lot of visiting or communication between them. So I attempted to write that all out coherantly and sent my .02 off to Jane.

In the spring there will be an arts and entertainment night at the Great School in the City.  My goal is for our entire family to go.  Last year, Kirsty went alone.  That would normally be fine again this year actually as the kids and I visit Fiona so regularly. But Jane also hopes to have Fiona's cousin and her daughter there as well.  There was a really really BIG argument between the cousin and Kirsty back when we first became Rob's parents.  Truly hateful things were said by the cousin who was singularly unprepared for two white women becoming the mom's of her little cousin.

But I believe that people can and do change.  While I doubt that cousin and K and I will ever become super close, I think she has grown and matured a lot.  She and I have exchanged some decent emails and IM's on FB.  I just keep reaching out because while slammed doors sting, the thought that they could be opened for my son is important enough that I just keep trying. Also I tried with my persistance to let the cousin know that we had remained very involved in Fiona's life even though the adoption plan was dissolved.  That she was loved by us and would never ever be considered not our daughter though legally we understand that it is not so.

 K has a harder time not referencing the past history with cousin N.  When I have shared with her the maturity I see when I speak to cousin N I get a look of disbelief.  To put it mildly, a look of disbelief. 

So I don't think K alone is the perfect emmisary for a joint family gathering, much as I love my wife.  However she would have to drive as there is not a way I would even consider trying to drive there myself.  So we will see how this all plays out. It is a few months off and I did explain to Jane that I have to see what happens at work. My company is being sold this month and I am not sure how time off and all will be impacted.  The timing of the event would require some of that so we will see what happens but I really really hope we can do it.  Not only do i not bear cousin N ill will, but I think it has the potentiality for being very healing for Fiona.  For her to actually see that two very different facets of her family can come together in warmth and love and be present with her should alleviate any lingering concerns in her mind about loyalties.