Limbo

My company has still not sold.  It will happen.  The question is the when.  It could have been last Thursday when we had our annual site audit. Thankfully it was not.  It was supposed to be today and for whatever reason it wasn't.  It might be tomorrow.  Or the first of next month. 

It isn't that I want this to happen.  It is the dealing with the uncertainty that I hate.  When do I have to start dealing with the new health insurance stuff.  When do I have to start looking at the new 401k stuff?  When do I lose my sick days?  What kind of new skills will I need and when and how do I develop those?

It'll be all right.  But I hate the limbo land that I have been inhabiting for the past several months.  On the one hand pretending everything is normal, when a little part of me is always wondering what is just around the corner.  And in so many ways I am lucky.  My professional contacts have expressed their desire to support me during the transition, to continue to be my friends in and outside of the work world, to be a sounding board as I navigate the  new challenges ahead.  Not everyone has that.

And actually what it made me think of was that kids who go through foster care must feel like this. All. the. time.  And typically they don't have the supports that can make all those changes any easier at all.  I know my son didn't.  And it took a long time for him to trust that this wasn't just another stop on the road.  It took longer for him to believe that I would not lie.  That there would always be food in the fridge.  That his clothes would be clean.  That he would not be hurt.

There are some similarities too to the experiences that Chet had in an orphanage in a country far away.  I was reading a blog today where the author basically said she could never recommend adoption.  Kids were too damaged, social workers were too dishonest, the system was too broken.  And I can't argue with that.  I have seen all that and lived portions of that too.  Not to the depth and breadth perhaps that she has, but life is not a walk in the park here, despite the fact that I love my family deeply.

And while I have great reservations about adoption ethically, I think there is a time and place where it is appropriate.  There are no guarantees even when having a biological child.  That child could be born with significant special needs, develop a terrifying and life altering illness, or they could become a substance abuser despite all their family's best efforts. I think having children, however they come to us is about being willing to step out in hope, in partnership with whatever Creator we believe in, building a future and building with love.