Jane called tonight to let me know that Fiona was back at school and declined to call. That makes sense to me. She is angry and hurt and feeling that we lied to her. I told Jane that I feel horrible and that I spent last night in tears, knowing how Fiona feels, worrying about her safety and her emotional pain. I said if there was any way to safely bring Fi with us I would do it in a minute.
There was a pause and then Jane said, "If Fiona got to a place where she was safe and healthy enough to do a trip to Disney would you do it?" I said I would do it in a minute, even if I had to take out a loan to make it happen. Jane said in that case, I should not worry because she would then cross every conceivable boundary and we could all just go stay with Jane's mom who lives in Florida if it ever came to pass.
I realize that it may not happen. But I am Pollyanna who thinks that if you play the Glad Game enough, good things do happen. And a profoundly good thing is that Jane is in my life and my daughters life. And somehow we will help Fiona to see that we love her and we will take this step by step. That not going now does not mean not going ever.
My mother tried hard to be supportive of this quandry that I found myself in. Her perception though is that I should have drilled the littles to say nothing and that I should have been far more upfront with them about the depth's of Fiona's issues. I don't really feel like I can do the latter. They know she goes to a special school and lives at school. They know that the Great School is helping her to learn safe ways of dealing with big feelings and helping her to get ready to live on her own as an adult. I can't give them the back story. That is Fiona's. And also Rob's. And I feel strongly that the pain of their past is not something to be bandied about to the siblings. To my mother this is not operating from a platform of honesty and I do see her point. But given their ages, I think it is the best I can do for now without causing more harm in the name of honesty. I didn't point out to mom that not saying anything is not 100 per cent honest either. I know she was trying to be kind and that there are times when my family and the tangles of our interwoven lives are truly beyond her understanding.
So for now, I am hoping that by next week Fiona will be able to talk w/ us a bit about this. It will at least be a very big step forward for her to be able to voice her anger and her disappointment to the source of it--and to see that no matter what she says, we still love her. And thank you so much to readers who offered me kind words when I was in "basket case mode" last night! It was really appreciated.