Jane and I email. . . a lot!

Jane is so great.  We re-cap after the phone calls w/ Fiona.  She has pretty much said that we can talk about anything now.  This will make things easier for Rob.  I know that part of his reticence is their history and that part of it is also worrying that he will say the "wrong" thing.  Jane had made us submit topics for discussion for her approval initially and i have sort of run the topics past her each week thereafter.  I know for instance, that Rob would love to tell his sister that we have a Wii now.  But was equally afraid that she might feel badly or react angrily.  Jane said that should be fine, Fiona got a camcorder for Christmas so there is some parity of "good" gifts there.

I told Jane we found the Easy Bake oven as promised in the attic and gave her the measurements as she wants to know if she can store it somewhere in her office or something if Fiona is not allowed to keep it in her room.  She said Fiona is sort of her "special project" and that it is her mission to make sure she does well.  I love that she is so solidly in Fiona's corner; this child has not had a lot of that. 

I told her that to have so many great calls with Fiona was a real rarity for us and that I was so happy that Fi was happy.  Jane said that one of the things about Fiona was her ability to put a happy face on things even when she wasn't feeling all that happy.  If so, that would be a totally new facet of her personality as this young lady has never had a problem letting anyone (and i do mean anyone) know when she was unhappy. So it still seems like a growth step to me.

Jane said also that Fiona alternates between feeling badly over what she did that caused the removal and anger toward K and I, blaming us for her removal.  Jane suggested that she wants to help Fiona take responsibility for her behaviors that caused the events.  I have been pondering that goal all afternoon.  On the one hand, everyone needs to take responsibility for their behavior.  That is a given if one is to succeed at some level in society.  At another level, this is a child.  A child with some trauma that makes me cringe, a child with some cognitive deficits that leave her still at 18 unable to write better than my 5 year old.  I am not so sure that I want her to feel she has to take responsibility for that removal.  I don't necessarily think blaming us is the better option, but I am tossing around the idea of  "sometimes we all have good ideas but things just can't be the way we planned and hoped."  And helping her see that this was true for all of us in the situation.  And that we are still there for her and will be, because though there are miles and miles between us, we are still family. I am still mulling over what to say.  I don't want to come off like a know it all.  I am so far from that.  There is so much about Fiona that I may never understand.  But I think that in this instance accepting responsibility could all too easily equate to self loathing and blame.  I can't see that help her and I can't see it help our relationship.  I'll keep mulling things over, I want Jane to see me as caring, not as someone trying to control the situation.